The Boundary House: A Simple Way to Visualize Your Relationships

Hannah Lynn Miller
Aug 18
2 min read

Updated: Oct 8

Setting a boundary can be necessary in some relationships, but understanding when, how, and why can be what keeps you from creating that emotional space. Boundaries are as difficult to explain and create as they are to implement. One great way I’ve heard of setting boundaries with certain relationships is by visualizing a house. Each room represents an emotional closeness and each relationship in your life can be in a space representing your emotional closeness.

Visualizing a house with distinct rooms helps you place relationships in their proper context and better understand appropriate boundaries. If you grew up in church or Christianity, you might believe you should be close to everyone in your circles and openly share your personal life. This simply isn’t true.

How faith can impact your boundaries in a positive or negative way

While boundaries sometimes carry negative connotations, even Jesus maintained personal relationship boundaries. He didn’t share all his personal matters with the crowds that followed him. Instead, he had twelve friends he traveled with and did life alongside. When he went to suffer in the garden before his crucifixion, he only brought his three closest friends. This illustrates how relationships naturally work—we cannot be equally close to everyone.

Friendships and family relationships can evolve and sometimes become unhealthy. It’s perfectly acceptable to adjust your closeness with others. Healthy disclosure is essential for maintaining healthy relationships.

Here’s how to start visualizing your relationships:

The house analogy for boundaries has been widely used in counseling and self-help discussions, but its exact origin is unclear. Some sources discuss similar analogies, like the garden fence analogy attributed to psychologist Dr. Sarah Davies. While there may not be a single, definitive author, the concept has been developed and refined by various therapists and writers over time. Others describe the house analogy in detail, explaining how different areas of a house—like the front porch, living room, and kitchen—represent different levels of intimacy and trust in relationships.

For example:

Front Porch: Casual acquaintances, light conversations.
Living Room: Friends and family with deeper trust.
Kitchen: Your closest relationships, where vulnerability is shared.
Sidewalk: individuals who are not able to know anything about your life. The trust is broken.

When you first meet someone and you feel connected and enjoy their conversation, you would start that relationship on the porch, slowly building that trust. You can create your own house and what each room means to you. I always picture the second floor with the bedrooms a place where my most trusted relationships land. Below is a printout for you to use and create your own emotional boundaries house. I hope that visualizing your relationships this way will give you greater peace and clarity in navigating your personal connections.