Understanding Your Narcissistic Parent: Breaking Free from Generational Patterns
What is Narcissism and Why is it Damaging?
Narcissism is a complex personality trait characterized by an excessive need for admiration, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a deep-seated lack of empathy for others. In this post we will talk about how to heal from a narcissistic parent. While everyone may display some narcissistic traits occasionally, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a more severe condition where these traits are persistent, pervasive, and significantly impact daily functioning and relationships. People with NPD often have a grandiose sense of their own abilities and achievements, expect constant praise and attention, and struggle to recognize or identify with others’ emotions and needs. This condition typically develops as a defense mechanism in response to childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or excessive praise during developmental years. While narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, clinical NPD affects approximately 1% of the general population and can cause significant distress both to the individual with the disorder and to those around them.
A personal note on narcissism from my perspective
When there is a parent who is narcissistic there can be generations of impact. As a clinician I want to create a space where you can find the information you need to understand narcissism and how this may be what is impacting your family system. That is what you will find in this post. From what I’ve observed the difficult thing about NPD is that you look like the bad guy for pointing the narcissistic behavior out. Sharing that you may think someone is narcissistic is so harsh right?! However, after you’ve experienced the NPD’s pattern once it’s so clear when you recognize it again. Narcissists are not creative and play the same games over and over again. It’s remarkable how the games they play can be textbook every time.
Once you can identify NPD you will never play their game again.
The positive thing about recognizing NPD is just that — you’ll never be able to unsee it again. Another positive to keep in mind that research by the APA have found that narcissistic traits tend to decrease over time and with age. Keep this in mind as you explore what a parent with narcissism looks like and how their influence may be impacting your mental health.
How to spot someone with narcissistic personality disorder
As a clinician, I will rarely ever see a narcissist in my sessions. The only time I will come across an individual with NPD is in marriage or couples counseling. Usually, the individual with NPD will come to therapy with the goal of fixing the other person in the relationship. This is when the games really begin and if I don’t recognize the gaslighting, the stonewalling, or the way the individual plays victim, I will further harm the other individual experiencing the abuse. If I recognize the games and call it out the NPD client will inevitably stop coming to therapy.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms
- Grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerated achievements
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance
- Belief that they are special and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
- Need for excessive admiration and attention
- Strong sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations
- Interpersonally exploitative behavior
- Lack of empathy for others’ feelings and needs
- Often envious of others or believes others are envious of them
- Displays arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
- Difficulty accepting criticism or feedback
- Tendency to exaggerate their own importance and achievements
- Pattern of taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends
Narcissistic parent abuse as a child
I often see narcissistic abuse in sessions. The way I see this is through their adult child’s eyes. Narcissistic abuse for a child is especially heartbreaking. A child will experience abuse and not realize this is not how a parent should treat their child. If there are more than two children in a family system a golden child and a scape goat dynamic will always be at play. This is a dynamic that is how the narcissistic parent controls the family system. I’ve also seen this in family systems that are dysfunctional and needed some guidance so it’s not only a dynamic that a NPD parent uses, but can be seen in emotionally unhealthy family systems as well.
Narcissistic parents often adopt authoritarian parenting styles, where children are forced to meet high demands without being allowed to express their opinions. This can limit children’s independence and self-expression, potentially leading to mental health issues like depression and anxiety (Fauziyah, Damanik & Mahendra 85).
According to Psychology Today, studies have shown that narcissistic parents can negatively affect their children’s self-worth, attachment styles, romantic relationships, and emotional stability. For example, parental narcissism may lead to low trust, feelings of shame, and commitment difficulties.
The impossible dynamic of a golden child and scapegoat set up by a narcissistic parent
The hardest part of a golden child and scapegoat when a parent has NPD is that when confronted or pointed out it creates even more problems for the scapegoat child. By keeping a child in the “dog house”, either through silent treatments or not prioritizing their needs as much as the other children, they control the family by using their “behavior” as the example. Research has explored the phenomenon of scapegoating in narcissistic families, where one child is unfairly blamed for the family’s problems. This practice can result in anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem in children. The rest of the children scramble to not be like the scapegoat child. The NPD parent will use their golden child as an example of what you should do.
This creates such an isolating dynamic for the scapegoat. Not only do they feel the wrath from the parent but their siblings also follow suite. They avoid the scapegoat like the plague. Many times this is why family therapy is helpful and has higher percentages for recovering for addictions and eating disorders because the scapegoat will use these methods to cope.
What to look for:
- A clear role of the golden child or the scapegoat child
- Unhealthy competition between siblings
- The dynamics getting more and more difficult between parent and scapegoat as the child gets older
- The adult child scapegoat knows that they are unsafe to communicate how they feel with their parent
- The adult child scapegoat using unhealthy means to cope
- The scapegoat being isolated from all siblings and parents
- The scapegoat being the scapegoat purely because they are wanting to do things differently and pushes back when the NPD parent tries to control them
- The dynamic creates a “fused family” which means that differences are frowned upon. This includes life decisions, parenting choices, faith, political beliefs…
- Feelings are rarely ever talked about, validated or shared because they can and will be used as a weapon instead of connecting points.
- The adult child of the NPD parent has experienced gaslighting which is the silent treatment, made to feel like the problem in the family, that they have to fit into the box of the family system and that their needs are not important.
- Smearing campaigns happen when a child, usually the scapegoat, points out issues or does something the NPD parent doesn’t like. The parent will talk negatively behind the child’s back to the other children, their spouse and anyone else in their circles.
- As an adult, children find themselves taking on other people’s emotions as their problems because they have been made to feel responsible for their parent’s emotions instead of how it should be — the other way around.
- As an adult you may also find yourself viewing feelings as personal attacks instead of ways others are trying to connect with you. This is because your parent continued to use your feelings as weapons by turning it around on you.
- Children of NPD parents find themselves having people pleasing tendencies in other relationships.
The impact of narcissistic parent abuse
In summary, children of parents with NPD often exhibit distinct behavioral patterns and emotional challenges. These include difficulty processing emotions, people-pleasing tendencies, and struggling with maintaining healthy boundaries. They may find themselves caught in family dynamics involving scapegoating, sibling competition, and emotional manipulation. The impacts of narcissistic abuse can manifest in various ways, from taking on others’ emotional burdens to viewing emotional expression as threatening. Understanding these patterns is crucial for healing and breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse.
A note about the golden child:
The golden child in a narcissistic family system often faces their own unique challenges, despite appearing to be in a privileged position. While they receive praise, attention, and apparent love from the narcissistic parent, this comes with intense pressure to maintain perfection and meet the parent’s unrealistic expectations. The golden child learns that their worth is tied entirely to their achievements and their ability to reflect well on the narcissistic parent. This conditional love creates deep-seated insecurity and anxiety, as they fear losing their favored status. Additionally, the golden child often struggles with guilt over their preferential treatment compared to their siblings, particularly the scapegoat, while simultaneously being manipulated to maintain the family’s dysfunctional dynamics. This role can lead to difficulty developing an authentic sense of self, as their identity becomes wrapped up in pleasing the narcissistic parent and maintaining their assigned role in the family system.
One way to create healing in a family system like this is for the gold child to stop playing the game, however this rarely happens since being the golden child inflates their own ego and sense of self.
What to do next
Having a parent who has NPD is extremely damaging and painful. It can leave you with feelings of shame, brokenness, and lots of confusion about who you are. That’s why the first step to healing is calling out what the abuse is and recognizing the pattern. As a clinician I’ve seen this to be powerful and freeing.
Boundaries do not work
I used to be a big proponent of open communication every time when it came to family, however, after working with clients with NPD parents I’ve realized this is not the way towards healing. Boundaries do not work with an individual with NPD. In my opinion, the most painful connection to someone with NPD is with a parent. With a partner, coworker or a friend you can cut that individual off and move on with your life. However, with a parent is so much more complicated and painful. Distancing yourself as best as you can is a great start and cutting ties is an understandable option but should be last resort.
Acceptance is the way forward
Keep in mind that you will probably never be able to change your parent with NPD. The only way an NPD individual can change is by admitting and seeing that they in fact have a narcissistic personality disorder, which can happen, however, is extremely rare. Accepting your parent the way they are is best way to move forward.
Research on healing from a narcissistic parent
A significant 2021 study in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that adult children of narcissistic parents commonly struggle with:
- Chronic self-doubt and difficulty trusting their own judgment
- Tendency to minimize their own needs and emotions
- Challenges in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
- Persistent feelings of not being “good enough”
However, research also indicates that with proper therapeutic support and awareness, survivors of narcissistic parenting can develop resilience and establish healthier relationship patterns in adulthood.
Recent studies emphasize the importance of early intervention and support systems in mitigating the long-term effects of narcissistic parenting. This includes professional counseling, support groups, and developing strong boundaries with the narcissistic parent.
Healing is crucial to stopping the generational cycle of narcissism.
The emotional damage of a narcissistic upbringing to a child’s psyche can take a lifetime to heal, if ever. It can lead to low self-worth, dysfunctional attachment styles and emotional instability, and can produce the next generation of narcissists. – Forbes author and Psychologist, Mark Travers
Ways to heal from narcissistic parent abuse:
- Find allies in your family system. Is there someone else who has sought healing and understands or recognizes what you are dealing with?
- The less attention you can give your NPD parent the less control they have over you.
- Practice self-compassion and validate your own experiences and feelings
- Work on identifying and breaking people-pleasing patterns in your relationships
- Join support groups with others who have experienced similar family dynamics
- Keep a journal to process your emotions and track patterns in family interactions
- Focus on building a chosen family of supportive friends and healthy relationships
- Learn to recognize and challenge internalized negative messages from your NPD parent
- Practice emotional regulation techniques like meditation and mindfulness
- Invest in activities and hobbies that bring you joy and build self-identity
- Consider going low-contact or implementing structured contact with your NPD parent
- Work with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery
- Focus on building your self-worth separate from your family’s validation
Healing from a narcissistic parent will take time
Remember that healing will take time, and it’s okay to take the time you need to process and recover. Each small step toward healing is significant and valuable.
It can be painful to see these patterns in your family, especially if you find yourself as the scapegoat. My hope is that learning about this pattern, the games they play, and the way a family system is set up, that is so common in families with NPD it gives you peace and freedom from the pain you’ve experienced.
A mention about the spiritual side of facing narcissism:
Personally, I still don’t know where someone is at with God when they have NPD. I wrestle with this often, because many of those who I have met in my personal life with NPD have claimed to be Christian. Jesus calls us to lead through giving up our lives for others like He did for us. I fail to see how someone with NPD has ever done that for anyone besides themselves. If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse by a parent who may also be a spiritual leader or by a spiritual leader who you looked up too, just know you are not alone. Look at Jesus’ example. He is the author and perfecter of our faith.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:1-4 ESV
References:
10 Ways Narcissistic Parents Hurt Their Children | Psychology Today
Full-Paper-THE-IMPACT-OF-PARENTING-WITH-NARCISSISTIC-PERSONALITY-DISORDER.pdf
3 Consequences Of Having ‘Narcissist Parents’—From A Psychologist
